Really that's about the only thing that can describe the last few weeks of my life. I'm sitting here, in my camping chair in my house in College Station, because it's the only piece of furniture set up in my house right now. Yes, I'm moving tomorrow. Home to Dallas for the summer. Maybe longer, but I sure hope not. (I love you Mom. It's not you. It's Dallas:) Over the last few weeks, the Lord has brought forth a lot of reflection on my time in CS. God has been blowing me away with wisdom from fellow believers (even without them realizing it, thanks Heather Hendrick!), His Word, unbelievers, and DO's fabulous book reccommendation, Disapointment with God. Can I be honest? Ok, I'll be honest even if you don't want me to be:) I LOVE College Station. LOVE it. Even though I'm completely allergic to the town and get sick at least once a semester and can't breathe, I ADORE this town. I love everything about it, except my allergies and asthma... but i'm trying to work on that:)..."giving thanks in all circumstances"...but that's a TOTALLY different story. Back to the subject-I love the A&M Rec Center (I could live there, really.), especially the rock wall, campus, the people, Jane Long Middle School, my Starbucks (TX and Holleman all the way.), and more than anything else here, my church, Living Hope. Since December graduation, I've been workin the bucks loving being here, but accepting that most likely, I'm leaving for good at the end of the semester. I worked and did applications for the fall...and all during this I've been praying for brokenness. Well, last week, I got my last "deferrment" from all the different programs and such that I've applied for for this semester. As I was on the phone with Jeremiah...yes that was his name...tears were streaming down my face as he tells me I'm a "quality applicant" (what the heck is that phrase anyway?) but I wasn't accepted and I'm trying to be polite and kind, when in reality I want to throw something at him and scream...anyways...So I've applied all these places, in CS and away, trying to walk in faith that the Lord will reveal what's supposed to happen next. At this point I just lost it. Yep, I lost it and just cried, so hurt, but at the same time knowing that the Lord does not forsake His children and that He does have a plan for me, it's just not my plan. And in the middle of all of this, the LH sermons the last few weeks? Leave and Go, Partial Obedience, and Waiting on the Lord. I realized in all of this, how deep my love for the church, to be specific, Living Hope, really is. The last few weeks, literally every time I go in the building, or think about the idea that after the next few weeks I may not be here in this town, with this people (b/c the PEOPLE are the church), with this body, I just bawl. Weep really. Sob uncontrollably. Got the picture? The thing that has broken me? The IDEA of leaving this town (mainly my church) for good. I don't even know if the Lord wants me to leave! Just the idea. Literally right now, I can almost cry on command when I just think about it. Butch hugged me last night and I burst into tears! Oh goodness, I love you people, so deeply. Where else can you find a blog posting on this very subject with 47 comments? :) I love going to church 30 minutes early and being one of the last to leave! But through all this, the Lord has already grown and continues to grow me, for His glory. The very idea of not being here has made me think of all these people I'm just becoming friends with and am dying to know more, all the relationships with believers and unbelievers God keeps throwing in my lap...and I trust-He has a plan. Just today I found out that Brazos Christian School has a 5th grade position open in the fall! Whoop! Totally unexpected, and yet expected in my mind...so much of the time I feel like the man in Mark 9 when Jesus commands the demon out of His son and he says, "I do believe! Help me overcome my unbelief!" I don't know what's going to work out, but I know my heart is here, and as my great friend Ryan Couch reminded me in a comment on Heather Hendrick's blog (we're nerds I know), I have a heart and a vision for CS and for the people here to know Jesus and to make Him known to the world. The Lord is going to provide. It may not be the way I want, but my trust is in Him. See the tree post and the Jeremiah verses:) I don't even have a place to live in the fall but I know if I'm supposed to be here, the LORD will pave the way. And that my friends, is beautiful. To quote a wondeful band..."There's beauty in the breakdown. " Yes there is.
